


the right life

by vindicatedtruth (behindtintedglass)



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: M/M, episode tags at the end of each chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2018-12-09 15:44:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 12,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11672148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/behindtintedglass/pseuds/vindicatedtruth
Summary: "Sometimes one life, if it's the right life, it's enough.""So let me tell you who we were. And how we fought back.”A look back on the moments John and Harold have shared, and reliving why that one life—together—had been worth it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This series is borne out of the idea of writing vignettes based on songs, with the challenge being that I can only write them during the entire duration of the song without stopping or editing or erasing. I refer to it as a quickfire challenge, letting the song inspire me without thinking about it too much (as I usually do, lol).
> 
> The songs have been submitted by the wonderful people in Tumblr (you can find them [here](http://vindicatedtruth.tumblr.com/tagged/quickfire+series/chrono)), and if there are more songs you'd like to have me write about, please feel free to suggest them on the comments below, as I'd love to write more. :)
> 
> Each ficlet is based on specific canon scenes, and the episode tags will be mentioned in the notes at the end. Obligatory warnings for canon-compliant violence and deaths, as well as the dubious moralities the characters are prone to. Just like in canon, everything they say, think, and do should be handled with careful consideration.
> 
> With that being said, please enjoy the wonderful machinations of our Machine husbands and their love for each other. Let's all keep their love alive.

 

**Heart by Sleeping At Last (3:33)**

 

* * *

_“I’m short of breath standing next to you.  I’ll be the dangerous ledge, you be the parachute.  Blue and green below is a masterpiece, but you are beautiful like I’ve never seen.”_

* * *

 

“Thank you,” John says softly.

Harold looks at him.  Even now, he’s being grateful, and it doesn’t make sense.  Not now, especially not now.  “For what?”

John smiles, eyes tender.  “For choosing me.  You could’ve been with Shaw, or Fusco.  But it’s me you chose to be with.”  His gaze finds Harold’s, sharp and knowing.  “Until the very end.”

Harold looks away, heart tightening in his chest.  “You said it yourself before, John,” he says quietly.  “There’s… no one else I’d rather be with.  Nowhere else I’d rather be.”

Something breaks in John’s eyes then.  “There’s… something else, Harold.  Something… I should be thanking you for.”

Harold shakes his head, hands trembling.  They can’t do this, not now.  They still have to upload the Machine onto the satellite, they still have to brace themselves for the Samaritan operatives that are no doubt coming after them, for the missile that’s launching at this very moment, and they still have…

They still have  _time._ As little as it is, they have time.  

But for what?

“You told me before, that sooner or later we’d wind up dead,” John says quietly.  “You gave me a second chance, a purpose.  And now… you just granted me the one wish I never thought I’d have.”

Heart in his throat, Harold finally looks at him.  “And what is that, John?”

“This way… I get to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Harold feels his heart shatter.  “ _John_.”

John smiles.  “Until the very end, Harold.”  He raises his gun as the the first of Samaritan’s agents come bursting through the rooftop.  “Let’s do this… together.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 5.13 - "return 0"


	2. Chapter 2

 

**Believer by Imagine Dragons (3:24)**

 

* * *

“ _Oh let the bullets fly, oh let them rain.  My life, my love, my drive, it came from pain.”_

* * *

 

It’s not the first bullet he has ever taken for Harold, and John knows it won’t be the last.

Harold is clutching at him frantically, unheeding of the rain of bullets all around them.  “I’m okay, Harold,” John rasps, because Harold looks as if  _he’s_  the one dying.

They knew this was a suicide mission from the very start, breaking into the stock exchange just to save the world from a financial crisis.  John has never once thought they’d make it out alive.

At the back of his mind, he thought what’d make it worth it was saving the world from Samaritan, like this.  But if John is being honest to himself, it’s worth a wound—it’s worth many wounds—to see Harold’s heart like this.

To see that Harold’s heart is beating for  _him_  like this.

And it’s selfish and twisted, to be absurdly  _happy_ as Harold runs his hands frantically all over him, to assure himself of Harold’s touch like this, because it’s not often that Harold lets down his walls enough for John to see how much he cares.

But now, with Harold not even heeding the fact that they’ve just prevented the stock market from crashing when he’s so  _broken_ over John… it seems like it’s only through pain that they reveal their hearts like this, and John—

John can’t regret that.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 4.11 - "If-Then-Else"


	3. Chapter 3

 

**Poker Face by Lady Gaga (3:57)**

 

* * *

“ _Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun.  And baby, when it’s love, if it’s not rough, it isn’t fun._ ”

* * *

 

“And here I thought your friend has a bad poker face,” Lou tells him dryly.  “But  _you,_ John, have the absolute  _worst_.”

John stares at him. Considering he has just saved all of their lives, he isn’t sure how to take the way Lou is… mocking him?

Lou grins at him and raises his hands placatingly.  “John,” he says, his tone turning unexpectedly gentle.  “Even gamblers have a limit.  They don’t gamble with what’s most precious to them.”

And suddenly, John knows what they’re talking about.  “Don’t,” he says quietly.

Lou nods, a little sadly.  “He doesn’t know?”

John doesn’t answer.

“Well,” Lou chuckles.  “He probably knows  _now_.”

John looks up at him sharply.  “What do you mean?”

“John,” Lou says in a tone that’s half-fond, half-exasperated.  “When Rispoli pointed that gun at myself and your friend Leon over there, you were able to keep your cool.  Even when the gun was pointed at  _you_ , you didn’t react.”

They both look over to where Leon is helping Harold stand after untying him, both men oblivious to the conversation going on at the other corner of the room.

“But when the gun was pointed at  _him_ ,” Lou says softly, tilting his head towards Harold, “you completely lost your poker face, John.”

Harold chooses that moment to look at John.  He meets Harold’s gaze, and murmurs to Lou, fierce and determined:

“I may be used to gambling with my life.  But I will never, ever gamble with  _his_.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 2.18 - "All In"


	4. Chapter 4

 

**I Want Love by Elton John (4:35)**

 

* * *

“ _A man like me is dead in places.  Other men feel liberated.  But I want love, just a different kind._ ”

* * *

 

Is it too selfish of him, Harold thinks in despair, to  _want_ this?

He looks over to where Bear is rolling around the floor with John, ecstatic in being reunited with his master after days of waiting for him to come back.  To come  _home._

Harold feels a fierce ache bloom in his chest, watching both of them be so happy, like this.  He wishes, so much, that he can preserve this moment in time, because it’s so  _rare_ to see John this… full of unreserved, unbridled  _joy_.

The last time John told Harold that he was happy, Harold lost him.  He wants to hold on to  _this_ happiness for as long as he can.

John stands up, seemingly responding to the clouding of Harold’s face as he turns away, ostensibly to continue working, but Harold knows John isn’t fooled.

“Don’t I get a welcome home from you, Harold?” John teases, and it’s almost  _too much_ , this easy flirting and casual banter, because Harold is afraid that if he stands up and gives that welcome John is asking for, he might hold on tight and not let go.

 _Ever_.

He’s surprised when he senses John sliding to his knees before him, settling by his feet in a startling mimicry of Bear.

“…Mr. Reese?”

John smiles at him, soft and utterly  _vulnerable_ , and lays his head on Harold’s lap.

“I missed you,” he whispers.

And Harold’s composure  _shatters_.

He folds himself over John, covering him, sheltering him with his own body, and vows—this, this will always be his, to  _protect._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 2.13 - "Dead Reckoning"


	5. Chapter 5

 

**Love at First Sight by Kylie Minogue (3:35)**

 

* * *

_“And everything went from wrong to right.  And the stars came out and filled up the sky.  The music you were playing really blew my mind.  It was love at first sight.”_

* * *

 

John relents, like he always does, and they  _don’t_  go out to have beer.

Instead, John takes him to a food stall by the park that only serves wine and cheese, and Harold is oddly touched by the quirky mixture of their preferred food joints; Harold usually opts for classic cuisine, while John is more drawn to hole-in-the-wall places, and this — this is a combination of both.

They each purchase a glass of wine and a platter of cheese to share between them, and settle themselves on one of the benches outside.  John shrugs when Harold raises an eyebrow, and answers his unspoken question.

“The fresh air will do you good, Finch,” he says lightly.  “And this way, we can see the stars.”

Harold sniffs, about to make a deriding comment about how starless the skies in New York City are with the light pollution all around them, when he tips his head back and the words die on his lips.

“ _Oh_ ,” he says softly.

He feels John’s tender gaze on him as he finally feels the day’s tension seeping out of his shoulders.  John is honouring his wish not to talk about it—he wants to forget Root, wants to forget the idea she had planted on him that humanity is nothing but bad code—but this…  _this_ , he wants to remember.

He wants to remember the way John came for him; the way John is saving him and watching out for him still, even now, humming a soft, soothing song under his breath as Harold sees for the first time the stars in New York City.

He wants to remember this, because for the first time in a long time… he’s finally in love.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 2.02 - "Bad Code"


	6. Chapter 6

 

**Happy Ending by MIKA (4:33)**

 

* * *

_“This is the way you left me, I’m not pretending. No hope, no love, no glory, no happy ending.”_

* * *

 

“John, you can’t go.”

As soon as the words leave his mouth, Harold knows it’s the most utterly selfish thing he’s ever said to John.

At the moment, John looks to be at his most broken, even more than when he almost died trying to kill Quinn.  This—this is a different kind of brokenness, the cracks on his heart and soul beginning to wear down on him physically.

If leaving should be healthier for John—if being away from him is what will heal him, both body and soul—then Harold should let him go, right?

Then why is Harold feeling like it’s  _his_ heart that’s cracking in the middle?

He watches John walk away, and hobbles to follow him, too late.

Once upon a time, John asked him what would happen if he stayed.  Harold told him the truth, then: that sooner or later they would probably end up dead.

He had never, not once, imagined that in all their years together, it would end… with one of them leaving.

Harold knows that he has grown too dependent on John.  Not just for his skills, but for his  _presence._ Because for the first time since Nathan’s death… Harold finally feels like he isn’t alone.

And isn’t that such a selfish thing, wanting John near as a cure for his loneliness, even if it slowly kills John inside, instead?

So he lets John go, lets him leave the library, and Harold is thankful for small mercies: that John doesn’t, not once, look back at him.

Because Harold isn’t sure he’s ready to let John see how much he’s shattered without him.  How much he has come to need John.

How much he has come to love him.

This is the way it has to be.  This way, he can protect the one he loves most in the same way—again.

By letting them leave him.

He looks at his computer, at his picture with Grace, and squeezes his eyes shut.

He doesn’t even have a picture of John.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 3.12 - "Aletheia"


	7. Chapter 7

 

**Bridge over Troubled Water by Simon & Garfunkel (4:53)**

 

* * *

 _“I’ll take your part when darkness comes and pain is all around.  Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down._ ”

* * *

 

In all the time he has known Harold, John has never seen him look so small.

Sameen tries to reason with him, tries to desperately convince him that they can find another way to save Grace, but John knows it’ll fall on deaf ears.

Harold is a man of logic, except when it comes to the things that matter most to him.

The people he loves the most.

It’s why John doesn’t put up a token argument, because as much as it pierces his own heart, he  _understands_ Harold.

What Harold is willing to do for Grace… is what John is willing to do for  _him_.

Sameen turns to John helplessly, looking a little betrayed, expecting John to back her up on this.  

And then Harold tells them to kill anyone who dares touch Grace, and that— John understands that too.

There had been a time, not too long ago, when he was willing to let everyone else die if the Machine won’t help him get Harold back.

Sameen’s look of betrayal morphs into shock this time, as she sees for the first time that their benevolent handler, boss, and friend… is utterly human too, when it comes to protecting the people he loves.

And then he watches, fascinated, as Sameen schools her face into a look of determination—and grudging respect.

John can’t help but smile at that, a little sadly.  Sameen understands, too.  It’s what she would’ve done for Cole, if only she had been given the chance.

Harold catches Grace on the bridge, and John wants to tell Harold:

_I can do the same for you.  I_ **_will_ ** _do the same for you.  I’ll do anything to keep you safe._

_Just please… please come back to me, always._

_I can’t let you go._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 3.21 - "Beta"


	8. Chapter 8

 

**About Today by The National (4:10)**

 

* * *

_“You just walked away, and I just watched you.  What could I say?  How close am I to losing you?”_

* * *

 

For the first time in all the time they’ve been together, John looks back, and Harold isn’t there.

And he can’t follow him, not this time, not while Sameen is bleeding in his arms, and they’re struggling to escape the agents of Decima who have been tasked to protect McCourt.

Even now, he’s questioning his decision to let the Congressman live.  Even now, he’s questioning  _Harold_.

But most of all, he’s questioning himself.  He’s wondering how close he has pushed Harold into becoming a murderer, and he wonders if it’s worth saving the world if he turns the one good man left in it into killers just like the rest of them.

“Finch,” Sameen hitches a breath, the blood still dripping from her leg, “We gotta—”

“Not now,” John says quietly, determinedly.  For now, they survive.  For now, they find a way to amend the sin of very nearly corrupting the one person who has taught them the value of life.

Sameen steels her gaze, despite the struggle against the pain, and John knows that there’s an apology on her lips too that she failed to say in time, before Harold walked away from them.

He can tell that she’s afraid, too.  Not that Harold has abandoned them, because John knows without a doubt that Harold isn’t the kind of person who abandons his friends—the people he loves.

But she’s afraid that Harold has seen the monsters they truly are, and Harold will finally, truly realise what kind of people he has associated himself with, in hiring both him and Sameen.

There’s a bitter irony in hiring murderers to save innocent lives, and John is afraid… Harold will never look at them the same way again.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 3.20 - "Death Benefit"


	9. Chapter 9

 

**Touch by Daughter (4:25)**

 

* * *

_“Love, hunt me down.  I can’t stand to be so dead behind the eyes.  And feed me, spark me up.  A creature in my bloodstream chews me up.”_

* * *

 

If John is being honest with himself, he isn’t waiting for someone to find him and finally kill him, that fateful day at the subway.

The heavens have heard his real prayer behind the one he’s masquerading behind.

He’s waiting for someone to find him, and give him a reason to  _live_.

The alcohol may have numbed his body and his heart, but his soul is aching to  _feel_ again.

Now, as this mysterious “Mr. Finch” tells him that he has a choice to make, the questions he ask are merely perfunctory, because he already knows… this man has sparked something in him, something that he hasn’t felt in a long time, and he’s desperately  _craving_  it.

Mr. Finch keeps his hands tightly balled inside the pockets of his coat, and John has a sudden, overwhelming desire to feel what they’re like against his skin.  Those wealthy hands, dexterous and skilled in the way they conjure information out of the air like magic… John wonders if those hands can conjure things about John that he doesn’t know about himself, either.

And John knows it’s unhealthy, this obsession surrounding the one man who has made him  _feel_ something after years of being dead under the CIA’s hands, and John hasn’t even known him for more than twenty-four hours.

What does it say about him, a man dying for the thirst of human contact, that he craves the one man that has chosen to be around his orbit, for nothing else than the simplest reason of saving him by giving him a  _purpose_?

Perhaps, only time will tell.  Perhaps, Mr. Finch won’t flinch away when he sees the darkness John is capable of doing.  Perhaps those hands are capable of coaxing the light from John’s body, reminding him that he’s human, still.

In the end, there is only one choice to make.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 1.01 - "Pilot"


	10. Chapter 10

 

**Miracle by Shinedown (3:38)**

 

* * *

_“Say it once, tell me twice.  Are you certain I’m alright?  Just a sign to remind me that tomorrow’s worth the fight.”_

* * *

 

Harold can’t help it: he takes one last look over his shoulder to gaze at John.

If this is the last thing he’s ever going to see, he wants it to be  _John_.

In the distance, he can see Samaritan’s agents breaking and entering the library, and he spares a moment to let himself grieve at the loss of the one place that’s still sacred to him—the one place that is his last remaining connection to Nathan.

He doesn’t want to lose this connection to John.

Bear tugs at his leash, whining, at a loss as well, torn between the two masters he knows should never be apart.

Not like this, ever.

But Ms. Groves is right: for now, this is about survival.  For now, this is about… finally giving John what he has always wanted.

A conventional life.

John looks at him, and Harold can’t read the expression on his face.  John’s hand is wrapped tightly around the duffel bag containing his weapons, and Harold wonders how long John has stashed it in case of an emergency, if he has always known that something like this has always been inevitable.

Harold wonders if John has always known they’ll never be together, like this.

Bear pulls at his leash, harder this time, and Harold stumbles to walk, refusing to tear his gaze away from John.

He wonders if John will find him still, after all this is over.  He wonders if it will ever be over.

He wonders what John will want after the threat of apocalypse is gone—if it ever will be.

He wonders if John will still have a place in his life for him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 3.23 - "Deux Ex Machina"


	11. Chapter 11

 

**Irreplaceable by Beyoncé (3:47)**

 

* * *

_“I could have another you in a minute.  Matter of fact, he’ll be here in a minute, baby.  You must not know about me, you must not know about me.  I can have another you by tomorrow.  So don’t you ever for a second get to thinking you’re irreplaceable.”_

* * *

 

John takes the earpiece from Kara’s hand, and he suddenly feels sick with how wrong it is: having Kara’s voice in his ear directing his actions, ordering him to kill, when he has grown used—dependent and fond—to Harold’s voice in his ear, telling him to save, to  _live._

He wants to punch Kara square across the mouth when she smirks at him, telling him how they’re doing this for old times’ sake, because this isn’t what he does anymore.  This isn’t  _who he is,_ anymore.

Once upon a time, the John Reese who had been Kara Stanton’s partner wouldn’t have thought twice about following orders and taking lives.

The John Reese who is Harold Finch’s partner is someone who will question  _everything_ , including the consequences of his actions.

John Reese has a better partner now.  One who will not abandon him or betray him.

He takes the equipment Kara hands him, and valiantly resists throwing it on her face.

He looks at the bomb strapped to his vest, and while the rational part of his mind is screaming that Harold should stay away from him, another part of him is quietly confident that Harold will come after him, as he always does, and save the day.  Save  _him_.

He wonders at what point he has come to think of Harold as his hero, but perhaps it began the day he remade the name “Reese”—one that Kara has christened him with—and baptised it into one that saves lives.

It began when Harold became the partner who saved the fallen angel Kara left behind.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 2.13 - "Dead Reckoning"


	12. Chapter 12

 

**Someone Like You by Adele (4:45)**

 

* * *

_“Regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made.  Who would’ve thought how bittersweet this would taste?”_

* * *

 

A lifetime ago, in an airport far from here, John once stood helpless and frozen as he watched the love of his life walk away from him, “ _wait for me, please_ ” stuck like a barbed wire in his throat until they came out in a whisper, too late.

It’s bittersweet to be remembering this now, as John watches it happen all over again.

“You won’t make it down from that rooftop alone,” he says, and it isn’t a warning, but a plea:  _you can’t die, you can’t possibly die._

_Don’t you know what will happen to me once you’ve gone?_

“Goodbye, John,” Harold whispers sadly, and this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.  Why are the people he loves always leaving him?

‘ _That would take real courage now, wouldn’t it?_ ’ he remembers her telling him sadly, and fear and anger and desperation rises in him in waves.

“Finch, wait,” he begs, and once he says it, he can’t stop saying it.  He has to say it now, when he made the biggest mistake of his life not saying it back then.

He can’t make the same mistake now.  He won’t survive it.

“ _Wait.”_ He’s shouting now, the way he couldn’t shout his despair and heartbreak back then when he watched Jessica walk into a life with the man who eventually killed her.

“ _Harold,”_ he pleads, his name a benediction, his last salvation, and it claws at John’s heart, for he has never known Harold to be this  _selfish_ , leaving him behind when he knows it’s tantamount to signing John’s death certificate himself: with John as both perpetrator  _and_ victim.

John knows he’s been living on borrowed time, and Harold’s being  _selfish_ in taking this away from him.

Because life isn’t worth living… without Harold in it.

“ _Finch, wait.  Harold, wait.  Harold.  Wait—!”_

The vault clauses, and John  _screams_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tags: 1.03 - "Mission Creep", and 5.13 - "return 0"


	13. Chapter 13

 

**Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend by Julie London (2:01)**

 

* * *

_“There may come a time when a hard-boiled employer thinks you’re awful nice.  But get that ice or else no dice.”_

* * *

 

“Zoe Morgan,” John says, putting on his most earnest look, “will you be my wife?”

It takes Zoe all of two seconds to blink away her confusion and look at John with something close to  _pity._

“Finch picked that ring, didn’t he?” she says blandly.

John scowls.   “I have good taste, you know.”

Zoe smirks.  “Yes, but you don’t have the money.  Harold, however,  _does._ ”

“So would you rather marry  _him_?” John huffs, trying and failing to sound affronted about it.

Zoe tilts her head in amusement  “I’d rather not, given how jealous and possessive you are when it comes to him.”

John blinks, opens his mouth wordlessly and closes it with a click, stunned.

Zoe grins.  “Why don’t  _you_ marry him, John?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 2.06 - "The High Road"


	14. Chapter 14

 

**The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel (3:44)**

* * *

_“But I, I love it when you give me things.  And you, you ought to give me wedding rings.”_

* * *

 

There is a moment, when Harold offers the elegantly-wrapped box with an indulgent smile, that John is seized by a moment of unreasonable panic.

It looks too much like the box for a wedding ring, and John isn’t ready to see it.

It’s why he doesn’t open it until later, with Han at the park, because he knows he has to carefully control his reaction when he sees what it actually is.

(He tries to tell himself he’s not disappointed that it  _isn’t_ a wedding ring, because  _why_ should he be disappointed?)

He’s intrigued, however, when he sees that it’s a key.  For a moment, he wishes so much that it’s the key to Harold’s apartment.

It would have been so much better than a wedding ring.  More important and more…  _intimate_ , somehow.

For months, John has tried and failed to be closer to Harold, to breach the firewalls he has built around himself.  For Harold to offer this key to his life—or so John hopes—is the best gift Harold can ever give, because there’s nothing John wants more than Harold’s trust.

He turns over the key in his hands, and quashes down his hope.

What reason does Harold have to trust someone like him, though?  John certainly doesn’t deserve it.  But…

His smile turns soft when he gazes at the gift.

It’s a start, making him feel special, like this.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 1.21 - "Many Happy Returns"


	15. Chapter 15

 

**Don’t Take The Money by The Bleachers (3:35)**

 

* * *

“ _When you’re looking at your shadow, standing on the edge of yourself, praying on the darkness, just don’t take the money.”_

* * *

 

The first time John offers him Sencha green tea, Harold immediately has all his guards up, considering that the last time an employee offered him that drink, he was  _drugged_.

He peers suspiciously at John over his steaming cup, and has to concede that he doesn’t see the same malice he once belatedly saw in Dillinger’s eyes.  There is a smugness there, yes, for having figured out Harold’s “poison” without Harold actually telling him, but there is a pleased smile there too,  a gentle pride in having given something Harold actually wants.

There are times when Harold is still afraid that John will turn out to be exactly like Dillinger, even though John has already proven multiple times the ways he’s not just different, but ultimately  _better_.

But Dillinger is the first body Harold has ever buried, and Harold doesn’t think he can ever stomach burying another partner again.  Not when this is the first true partnership he has ever had since Nathan’s death.  And he can look back at Nathan’s death now with honour, because he knows, without a doubt, that Nathan will approve of John.

He sees John glancing at his board of old Irrelevant Numbers, knows that Jessica’s number is there, somewhere, and Harold prays that John won’t make the same mistake Dillinger did, once upon a time.

He can’t afford to lose his other half, this time.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 3.16 - "RAM"


	16. Chapter 16

 

**High Enough by K. Flay (3:51)**

 

* * *

“ _I’d crawl a mile in a desolate place with the snakes, just for you.  Oh, I’m an animal, hand me a Tramadol, gimme the juice.  You are my citadel, you are my wishing well, my baby blue.”_

* * *

 

It occurs to John, while holding Leon by the scruff of his neck, negotiating with an invisible supercomputer, and running away from hired assassins of the Aryan Nation, that for the first time in his life, he’s become an addict.

The alcohol doesn’t even count.  It had been his way to forget, his roundabout way to kill himself, when he had neither the courage nor the drive to do it quicker.  It’s why he was able to shake it off better than he thought he could.

But he’s never had an addiction like  _this_ , not to any kind of vice: not alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs.  And he’s aware that he’s acting like a junkie who’s going into withdrawal, unreasonable and volatile from going cold turkey without any preparations, and the logical part of him is warning him that this—this is   _dangerous_.

And for the life of him, John doesn’t give a damn.

“Do the math and figure out a way to bend your rules,” he demands at the corner’s CCTV camera.

He’s a junkie looking for the source of his addiction, and he’s not going to stop until he gets it.

“I won’t do this without him.”

The payphone behind him rings, and there it is—the rush being injected through him, flooding him with hope.

It occurs to John that he’s unhinged, thinking of nothing or no one—not the consequences of his actions, not even everyone dying—until he gets Harold back.

But he supposes it’s Harold’s fault for being the dealer of it: friendship and home and family and everything John can’t live without, anymore.

John’s high on it, and he’s not going to give it up.

_Ever._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 2.01 - "The Contingency"


	17. Chapter 17

 

**Misbehavin’ by Pentatonix (3:42)**

 

* * *

_“A million miles away, and I’m still thinking ‘bout my baby.  Ain’t misbehaving, no, you don’t need to worry.  I’m having a good time, oh, and I’ve had one too many, but you’re the only one on my mind.”_

* * *

 

Holly’s good company, but even she can tell that he’s distracted.  

John nurses his glass of whiskey, smiling indulgently at Holly as she regales him stories of her more unconventional passengers, but then she stops and peers at him with something close to sympathy.

“So, John,” she says decidedly, “who are you missing?”

He doesn’t even bother trying to deflect the question.  “A friend,” he says softly.  “He’s a million miles away, and I wonder if he’s… behaving.”

“Seems to me like you’re the one misbehaving, John,” Holly playfully nudges his knee with her own.  “Did you run away from him or something?”

John swallows at how close she’s hitting the truth.  “Something like that.  How can you tell?”

Holly’s smile gentles.  “Because you’re not trying very hard.  It’s like you’re waiting for him to catch up to you.”

John feels the alcohol burn down his throat.  “I haven’t been… good to him, lately.  I… wouldn’t blame him if he doesn’t ever want to see me again.”

Holly studies him for a few more moments, silently slipping at her margarita.  “You know, John,” she says slowly, “that cafe across the street, I’ve been there many times.  I know all the patrons.”

She sets her glass carefully down on the counter.  “So I wonder… who the new guy is.”

John nearly spills his own drink.  Holly pretends not to notice.

“Elegantly dressed, wears glasses, walks with a limp…”

John’s out of his stool in a flash.  He stares out of the bar’s window, unable to believe his eyes.

Holly moves to stand beside him, and smiles.

“Looks like he’s not a million miles away anymore, John.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 3.13 - "4C"


	18. Chapter 18

 

**Heaven by Depeche Mode (4:03)**

 

* * *

_“Take comfort in my skin, endlessly.  Surrender to my will, forever and ever.”_

* * *

 

Harold closes his hand over John’s, his blood smearing both of their fingers.  

John looks back at him, helpless and lost.

There had been a time, not too long ago, when it was John who closed his fingers over Harold’s, telling him to let go of the gun, and that he didn’t have to use it to fight Elias and save Joss’ son.

Now, they’re too late to save Joss, herself.  But perhaps, it’s not too late to save John… from himself.

When he and Nathan had still been working together, Harold had chosen to work in the shadows instead, not because he wasn’t good with people, but because he feared that… he’d be  _too_  good with them.  Making them follow him.   _Manipulating_ them.

 _‘It’s not the means, Harold,’_  he can still hear Nathan’s voice in his head,  _‘but the purpose to which you use them.’_

Now, Harold pulls on that power and tames it inside him, so that it comes out quietly and gently.

“You’re dying, John.  Let us help you.”

And there it is: that subtle power of control Harold has always known he has.  John lets go of the gun, and surrenders himself into Harold’s arms.

And maybe, Harold thinks as he lets Sameen carry most of John’s weight, it’s about time he uses that power.  He doesn’t have to be afraid of it, if John isn’t.  Neither is Sameen, or Lionel, or even Root, for that matter.

This power he has is something they depend on to keep them all in line.  To keep the darkness from pulling them down again.

Because he’s their anchor.  Their source of light.

And maybe… Harold can finally stop dimming it within him.

He can finally stop being afraid… of himself.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tags: 1.19 - "Flesh and Blood", and 3.10 - "The Devil's Share"


	19. Chapter 19

 

**Not Dead Yet by Styx (3:32)**

 

* * *

_“Shot by a firing squad and raped by a business suit.  I’m dancing on a land mine baby, one leg left.  And I can still crawl and I’m not dead yet.”_

* * *

 

It occurs to Harold, in a fit of calm hysteria, that at this point, nearly every government organisation out there has wanted him dead.

NYPD.  CIA.  FBI.  NSA.  ISA.  And now… the OSC.

“You can dictate your terms,” Special Counsel himself tells him.  “You have my word.”

Harold narrows his eyes at that.  Considering he is someone who has literally made it his profession to know the truth about everyone, the government should have known better than to try and tell  _him_  a lie.

“You gave my friend your word,” he hisses, cold and quiet.  “And you killed him.”

Because there’s one thing Harold hates more than a lie.  And that’s a broken promise.

“We’re leaving,” he announces, and something shifts in the room—the balance of power shifting to  _him_.

It occurs to him, too, that everyone in that room has tried to kill him at some point—even his own current comrades.

But perhaps… there’s something about making it his job to save people that makes him strangely immune to death.

Or to people who want to kill him.

(If only he could’ve passed on that immunity to Nathan.)

Still, as he walks out of the facility with his hand on Root’s back, and with John and Sameen flanking him on either side, perhaps it’s something he can still pass on to the people who are important to him now.

If he’s Patient Zero, then maybe it’s time he passes on his power to  _live_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 2.22 - "God Mode"


	20. Chapter 20

 

**Angels Would Fall by Melissa Etheridge (4:39)**

 

* * *

“ _I’ll come by and see you again.  I’ll have to be a very good friend.  If I whisper, they will know.  I’ll just turn around and go.  You will never know my sin.”_

* * *

 

He’s the one who almost gets knocked over, but he’s the one who apologised.

Harold watches the man go, and understands.  He looks like a man who has just been sentenced to his death.

Shakily, Harold opens the folder where three files—three lives inextricably intertwined—lay inside.

Jessica Arndt, deceased.  Peter Arndt, husband, injured in the car accident.  And…

Harold looks up at the man’s retreating figure.  He has always known who he is, has seen him several times before this, and their paths have nearly crossed so many times, but never intersected.  

Until now.

He’s listed in the file as “John Reese”, but Harold knows that’s only one of his many names, and far from his real one.  

He refuses to look at it, however.  He doesn’t look up the name of a man who has left it behind for a reason, and even though it may not count for anything, Harold will wait until John himself is the one who gives it.

It’s the only thing John has left that has always been  _his,_  and Harold’s not about to take that away from him, too.  Not when he has already lost so much.

He closes the file, and in his hands, the folder feels significantly heavier.  How many lives have been changed forever because of his Machine?   No, that’s not precisely correct, Harold tells himself angrily.  How many lives have been lost because of his  _own_ inaction?  The Machine had done what it can, sending him warning after warning, and Harold…

Harold had been helpless to do anything about it, just as he is helpless now, watching John exit the hospital.  

He knows he has received John’s number for a reason—and he isn’t sure if John will be the victim… or the perpetrator.

Perhaps in this case… John is, and will be,  _both._

“I’m sorry,” Harold whispers _._   “…Truly.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 1.21 - "Many Happy Returns"


	21. Chapter 21

 

**Fortress Around Your Heart by Sting (4:39)**

 

* * *

_“And if I built this fortress around your heart, encircled you in trenches and barbed wire, then let me build a bridge, for I cannot fill the chasm, and let me set the battlements on fire.”_

* * *

 

“He’s dead.”

There’s a horrible moment in which both he and Sameen look at Harold as if the world has collapsed around them.  In many ways, it already has, but not for the reason Harold himself might think.

“ _What_?” John whispers, seized with a kind of terror he has never known before.  Has he finally succeeded in corrupting Harold?  Has he finally made him a  _murderer_?

“He sacrificed himself in an attempt to stop me,” Harold explains coolly, and John can feel his legs weaken with profound relief.

Harold’s safe.  The fortress he has built around Harold—made of all the reformed killers who are there to protect the one true good man within—is still intact.  He and Sameen are still here.  They may have lost both Joss and Root, and Lionel and Bear are both far away from them, but  _John_  will make sure that until the every end, Harold is protected.

Not just from death.  But from what John knows is the greatest temptation Harold is succumbing to now: being one of them.

Being a  _killer_.

John may not be as smart as the geniuses in the team, but the one advantage he has over them all is that he  _knows_ Harold, better than the man knows himself.  He knows, without a doubt, that Harold set foot in this facility both to die, and to  _kill_.

And John exists so that Harold doesn’t have to do  _either one_.  He has already lived for Harold.  He’s ready to do the rest: to die for him, and to  _kill_  for him.

But there’s one thing he hasn’t counted on, and that is for Harold to be even more stubborn than  _him_.

He punches the locked door with anger.

“Go,  _now_ ,” Harold says quietly.

“Damn you, Finch,” he hisses.

“Goodbye, John,” Harold whispers, and it’s the final walls of the fortress crumbling around him.

There’s nothing to protect him now.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 5.12 - ".exe"


	22. Chapter 22

 

**Behind Blue Eyes by The Who (3:41)**

 

* * *

_“No one knows what it’s like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes.  No one knows what it’s like, to be hated, to be fated, to telling only lies.”_

* * *

 

John isn’t sure what’s more painful to see: the grief in this woman’s eyes, or the pure happiness in Harold’s, as he smiles in the picture with her.

He already knows she loves him.  And that Harold loves her back.

And only someone like Harold can let that love and happiness go.  Only Harold, who could have had everything anyone can possibly ask for—wealth, status, power, and more than that, the kind of love that comes only once in a lifetime—only Harold will give it all up because he wants to save the world.

Harold is the most unselfish person John has ever known, and yet… what pains him the most is this realisation that even the most altruistic of intentions can still cause pain to the people one loves the most.

He knows this in the way he has lost Jessica.  He just… hasn’t expected that this is something he has in common with Harold, of all people.  

The difference is that John lost Jessica because he failed to be there in time, while Harold has made the decision to save this red-headed beauty—the love of his life—before his own failure happens.  Harold’s smarter that way—and infinitely more selfless.

But it doesn’t take away the fact that this selfless act is precisely what’s hurting this woman the most.

He doesn’t ask for her name, because he can’t bear knowing it.  He doesn’t want to know the name of the one person the most selfless being on the planet has deliberately  _hurt_.

Harold gives it, anyway.   _Grace_.  How fitting.

In being far from her, Harold has indeed… fallen from grace.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 1.22 - "No Good Deed"


	23. Chapter 23

 

**The Moon by Cat Power (3:45)**

 

* * *

_“When I lay me down, will you still be around?  When they put me six feet underground, will the big, bad, beautiful you be around?”_

* * *

 

He stays, alone and in the distance, when the rest of them can’t, and won’t.  

It doesn’t surprise him that Sameen has disappeared too, after paying what Harold believes is her token respect.  She has given Detective Carter that, at least.  If there’s one good thing her tuned down emotions have given her, it’s that they won’t bring her down.

Harold can’t say the same for John.

Eventually, the people at the funeral disperses and disappears, and he is left standing alone, watching over Detective Carter’s grave like a fallen, forgotten angel.  He wonders, suddenly, if there will be anyone who will be standing by his, when it’s his time to die.

He knows, with a sharp twinge of pain and guilt, that Grace had once stood by an empty grave of his false name.  When his real body is buried six feet underground, he wonders if anyone will be there—by his  _real_ grave.

He wonders, selfishly, if John will be there.  He wonders if John would’ve stayed with him long enough for Harold to finally give him his real name—one of the last things Harold has left to give him, aside from his resources, his friendship, his devotion, his  _life_.

He refuses to acknowledge how John already has possession of his heart, as well.  It doesn’t matter, now.  Harold can’t think about it, not when he knows that at this point, John has finally reached his limit, and that he won’t anymore forgive Harold’s multiple sins in taking away his sources of happiness.

He failed to save Jessica.  And now, Harold has failed to save Joss, too.  Maybe in the end, he does deserve to be alone.  

But John doesn’t.  And until John himself is the one who chooses to cut him out of his life… Harold is not going to let John die alone.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 3.10 - "The Devil's Share"


	24. Chapter 24

 

 

**Animals by Maroon 5 (3:49)**

 

* * *

“ _Baby, I’m preying on you tonight, hunt you down, eat you alive, just like animals, animals, like animals.  Maybe you think that you can hide, I can smell your scent from miles, just like animals, animals, like animals."_

* * *

 

John is good at what he does, but not because of his so-called hero complex, or his altruism.

It’s not because of his skills, although he’s good at that too, owing it all to years of training in the military, the CIA, and now under the Machine’s watchful eye, with Joss, Lionel, Sameen, and eventually Root seamlessly helping him make the transition from lone wolf to a member of the pack.

No… John is good at what he does because of his animalistic  _tenacity._ Because once he sets his mind on a certain goal, he will stop at nothing to get what he wants, like an animal on a hunt.

And when his  _mate_ is taken away from him like this, everything and everyone else turns to  _prey._

Root.  Hersh.  Special Counsel.  Control.  Collier.  Greer.  Dominic.  Samaritan.

There is no human—or superhuman artificial intelligence—that can stand in his way once they make the greatest mistake of  _taking Harold away from him._

(Not even Grace.  He remembers telling her to never look back, and while it’s accompanied by the sympathy of knowing Harold had to let go of someone he loved dearly, the guilt in the gentle words he tells Grace is accompanied by the deep well of selfishness that this life Harold has now is one he has chosen with  _him_ , and John will fight at all cost to  _keep_   _it._ )

“Keep yourself alive, Harold,” he whispers at the bridge.  “I’m coming for you.”

He will never,  _ever_  stop.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tags:
> 
> 1.23 - "Firewall"  
> 2.22 - "God Mode"  
> 3.21 - "Beta"  
> 3.23 - "Deux Ex Machina"  
> 4.22 - "YHWH"  
> 5.13 - "return 0"


	25. Chapter 25

 

 

**I’m Gonna Love You by David Cook (4:17)**

 

* * *

_“I only wanna be remembered for being the one who’d always say that I’m gonna love you.  I’m gonna love you endlessly.  I’ve never been one to yell surrender, as long you’re standing next to me, ‘cause I’m gonna love you.  I’m gonna love you endlessly.”_

* * *

 

It’s almost poetic that those who stayed with him until the very end are the ones whom he couldn’t bring himself to trust for far too long.  Perhaps it’s because they’re the ones who have hurt Harold the most.

Yet at the same time, they’re also the ones who have  _loved_ Harold the most, and that is something he understands.  

It’s something he has deeply in common with.

“I’ll stay with John,” Root’s voice murmurs in his ear, the voice the Machine has lovingly chosen for her own.  “Help him as long as I can.”

He has never fully trusted the Machine, or Root.  But he has never, not once, doubted their love for Harold.

Because it resonates with his own.

“Sure, everyone dies alone,” the Machine, in Root’s voice, continues telling the story, and briefly John closes his eyes, wondering at how poetic it is that everything is coming full circle.  “But if you mean something to someone…”

‘ _I’m not leaving you here, John._ ’

“… if you helped someone…”

‘ _In all the time I’ve known him, he has never let me down._ ’

“… or loved someone…”

‘ _John has the heaviest heart of all of us, but he’s trying the hardest to be good.’_

“… if even a single person remembers you…”

 _‘I know exactly everything about you, Mr. Reese_.’

“… then maybe… you never really die at all.”

‘ _It’s just you and me again, Mr. Reese.’_

John aims the gun, and thinks he can imagine Root next to him, the Machine’s hand hovering over his shoulder, as they aim to take one final stand together, to protect the one man they love most, above all.

He takes one final look at Harold, eyes tender, smile gentle, and knows, without a doubt…

Harold will love him endlessly.

And that’s all he needs to know.

“Goodbye, Harold.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tags:
> 
> 1.01 - "Pilot"  
> 2.13 - "Dead Reckoning"  
> 4.01 - "Panopticon"  
> 4.14 - "Guilty"  
> 5.02 - "SNAFU"  
> 5.13 - "return 0"


	26. Chapter 26

 

 

**I Won’t Let You Go by Switchfoot (4:47)**

 

* * *

_“If you could let the pain of the past go of your soul, none of this is in your control.  If you could only let your guard down, you could learn to trust me somehow.  I swear that I won’t let you go.”_

* * *

 

He remembers stepping on a gas pedal and breaking every speed limit possible to catch John as he falls, bleeding.

He remembers hobbling forward and unbuttoning John’s shirt to face the blinking numbers of a time bomb strapped to his vest.

He remembers closing his fingers over John’s bleeding fingers, stopping him from dishonourably killing the man Joss has sacrificed everything to bring down with honour.

He remembers John telling him that he came back to protect him, that he was someone the world can’t afford to lose… and then swiftly turning around to leave him, telling him that he can’t stay.

He remembers answering a phone call, and his heart leaping to his throat when he hears the voice—so beloved, so  _dear_ —he never thought he’d hear again, before it’s swiftly doused by anger and bitterness, blaming him for putting him on a flight he isn’t even aware is happening.

He remembers the harshness of the words as John lashes out at Owen, and even their Number can distinctly feel whom John is truly angry with.

He remembers the despair in John’s voice as he calls for his help, the plane dangerously close to crashing, and he knows at that moment that no matter how much John pushes him away, Harold will always,  _always_ come for him.

Even if it means flying thousands of miles away just to see him one last time.

He invites John to join him in the Giorgio de Chirico exhibit, hoping to delay the inevitable, hoping to prolong the time he has left with John—only to have his heart crushed when John tells him no.

He can’t quite mask the pain that crosses his face, because he doesn’t want to let John go.

He  _can’t._

“I need to get back to work,” John says softly, and Harold looks up at him, surprised, and feels like his smile can outshine the sun.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tags:
> 
> 1.10 - "Number Crunch"  
> 2.13 - "Dead Reckoning"  
> 3.12 - "Aletheia"  
> 3.13 - "4C"


	27. Chapter 27

 

 

**Sure Be Cool If You Did by Blake Shelton (3:35)**

 

* * *

_“You can’t shoot me down, ‘cause you’ve already knocked me dead.  Got me falling apart with my heart talking out of my head.  Let your mind take a little back road just as far as you wanna go.  Baby, I’ll do whatever you wanna do.”_

* * *

 

John, Harold observes in amusement, seems to be doing his best to try and impress  _him._

There’s nothing about John that’s unimpressive anyway, Harold muses ruefully.  Gianni may be the best tailor in Italy, but his work only served to enhance the  _beauty_ that is John.  He couldn’t help but flash a warning look at Gianni when he was taking John’s measurements, and Gianni had only inclined his head in deference to him, making him flush at the unwarranted show of possessiveness he flashed—which he had no right to feel.

Of course, it doesn’t help that John seems to make it his mission to  _belong_  to him.  Harold wonders what it says about himself that it makes him feel inordinately  _pleased_ that a man like John actually  _wants_  to be seen with someone like him.  It’s… incredibly  _humbling._

“I gotta raise my game up if I’m gonna be seen with you, Finch,”John mumbles in frustration as he tries (and fails) to knot his bowtie yet again, and Harold bites his tongue to resist the urge to offer to do it for him.

He’s afraid his hands may…  _stray_ , and linger, for far too long.

Instead, he does the next best thing, and takes John’s tuxedo to help him in it.  He finds his fingers trembling, however, as his hands flutter to arrange the collar and smooth the fabric over John’s shoulders.

John doesn’t have to do much to keep Harold falling for him, like this, because Harold  _will_ , anyway.

He just hopes… someday, John will finally catch him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 3.14 - "Provenance"


	28. Chapter 28

 

 

**Take Me Home by Us The Duo (4:17)**

 

* * *

_“I won’t be happy till I’m with you.  Home for me is where you are.  These four walls are nothing without you.  Home for me is where you are.  Send out the alarms, I’m all alone.  Wrap me in your arms and take me home.”_

* * *

John fervently wishes he hasn’t once mentioned to Harold about wanting a conventional life, because Harold always gives him what he wants.

He’s not, however, the best judge of what he needs, and right now, he needs  _Harold._

“It was never about the store,” he hears Ali say to his son over the phone.  “So we will move.  We are the store, Ben.  You and me.  Just come home.”

John feels a tightness in his chest and a stinging in the corners of his eyes, the words striking deep inside him.  He wonders if Harold is listening on the other end of the line too, and if he’s just as struck as him.

Harold has already made a decision—for all of them, it seems.  He seems to believe that this…  _conventional life_  is what they all need, what will keep them all  _safe._   John feels down to his bones how  _wrong_ it all is—how wrong he once was for wishing this for  _himself_ —because there is nowhere in the world that he feels safer than by Harold’s side.

They’re all lost, without him.  Root may believe that the Machine is in control of everything, but she keeps conveniently forgetting that the Machine wouldn’t even exist if  _Harold_ hadn’t created her.   _It._   

John runs a hand over his face in frustration, the calm centre he temporarily found in saving another Number quickly dissipating at the thought that he doesn’t have the Library to come home to anymore.

‘ _You and me,_ ’ Ali’s words ring in his mind, clear and true.   _‘Just come home_.’

John schools his features, determined.  He  _does_ have a home.

He has  _someone_ to come home to.

All that’s left now is for him to prove to Harold that he has a home too.  

They’ll make it one, just as they always have.

_Together._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 4.01 - "Panopticon"


	29. Chapter 29

 

**  
I’d Rather Go Blind by Etta James (2:36)**

 

* * *

_“Something told me it was over when I saw you and her talking.  Something deep down in my soul said, ‘Cry, girl,’ when I saw you and that girl walking out.”_

* * *

 

There’s something in the way he tells her, “Don’t look back,” that niggles at her, telling her that she’s missing something important.  

“Did you know him?” she blurts out, and immediately she realises it’s the exact right-wrong question to ask when she sees him freeze.  “Harold…?” she continues timidly, and she sees the man’s shoulders slump in resignation, as if he’s preparing himself for a blow.

As if she, of all people, is the one person that can hurt him.

He turns around, slowly lifts his gaze to look her in the eyes, and her breath catches.

There’s so much sadness there.

“All I know is,” he says softly.  “You loved him.  And he loved you back.”

She’s stunned into speechlessness as she watches his retreating figure.  It’s not the words themselves that catch her off guard, but it’s the way he says them.

Full of tenderness… and full of regret.

Her thoughts flash back to the first moment she saw him in her apartment, a softness in his smile as he stares at the frame, and knows… this man already owns Harold in a way she never has.

And never will, again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tags:
> 
> 1.22 - "No Good Deed"  
> 3.21 - "Beta"


	30. Chapter 30

 

 

**Frozen by Madonna (6:19)**

 

* * *

_“Love is a bird, she needs to fly.  Let all the hurt inside of you die.  You’re frozen, when your heart’s not open.”_

* * *

 

Finch, John thinks in aching sympathy, must be the loneliest person on the planet.

For a man with so many bird namesakes, Harold is a man who chooses to lock himself in a cage of his own doing.  It’s remarkable, because Harold himself holds the key to that cage anyway—he has at his helm a powerful Machine that connects him to all the people of the world—and yet it only makes him all the more isolated.

Harold has locked himself in by choice, and John wonders just how many people have let him down or left him behind that it has now made Harold scared to make a connection again.

John wonders how many people Harold has lost, and how deeply he has loved them, and if Harold still has it in him to love again.

It seems that Harold’s ruffled feathers are soothing around him, though.  Something as simple as a revelation of his favourite breakfast (Eggs Benedict) and his favourite beverage (Sencha green tea) seems like such a tremendous gift of trust already, something that Harold doesn’t always allow himself to share, and John wonders at the kind of man who has all the power and wealth and  _knowledge_ in the world, and yet treats trust as such a  _luxury_ , a dwindling resource.

So John treasures every single tidbit he gets, from Harold’s favourite sport (baseball, who would’ve guessed?) to his favourite book ( _The Trial_ by Franz Kafka) and his favourite movie ( _Rashomon_ by Akira Kurosawa); and even though it once began as a way to scope out the potential dangers of this new employment, the fact that Harold is willing to risk his life—and more importantly, his  _freedom_ —for him has turned his obsession with Harold into something far more altruistic: he keeps trying to find out what little things he can do to make Harold happy.

God knows the man allows himself so little of it.  It’s an even scarcer resource, one that John’s determined at all cost to provide for Harold.

His boss may have given him a new job and, amazingly, a new  _loft_ , and John doesn’t have enough resources to return all the wealth in kind, so he gives back the only thing Harold hasn’t allowed anyone else to give him.

Home, and happiness.  

And maybe someday, if he’s very, very lucky… he might get to share in that happiness too.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tags:
> 
> 1.05 - "Judgment"  
> 1.08 - "Foe"  
> 1.18 - "Identity Crisis"  
> 1.21 - "Many Happy Returns"  
> 2.08 - "Til Death"  
> 2.17 - "Proteus"


	31. Chapter 31

 

 

**I’m Not The Man You Think I Am by Bryan Adams (3:03)**

 

* * *

_“My past is catching up to me, my chips are coming due.  I’m not the man you think I am.  But I’m the man for you.”_

* * *

 

It occurs to John, as he watches the way Harold sags with relief against him, his heart still hammering against his chest with the realisation that they both  _didn’t_ get blown up, that Harold must think he has just saved a hero.

He doesn’t understand why Harold’s here in the first place.  He has a misplaced sense of altruism in wanting to save everyone, including John, but there’s wanting to save people and then there’s the  _willingness to die with them._

It occurs to John, as Harold’s trembling fingers turn off the mobile phone completely, eliminating the danger of it being a trigger all over again, that for some reason, he’s  _important_ to Harold.

It occurs to John that Harold thinks very highly of him.  He  _values_ John for a reason—perhaps for his skills, perhaps for his willingness to put other people’s lives above his own, a trait that Harold shares—but there’s a difference between caring for someone, and  _refusing to live without them._

It occurs to John that, for some unfathomable reason, Harold seems to believe he’s a  _good man worth saving._

Harold looks up at him, and John wants to say:  _You’ll be disappointed.  I have never been a good man._

_But I can be the man who will make sure you will always be a good one._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 2.13 - "Dead Reckoning"


	32. Chapter 32

 

**Automatic Lover by Dee D. Jackson (6:52)**

 

* * *

_“See me, feel me, hear me, love me, touch me.  Oh, I need you.  See me, feel me, hear me, love me, touch me.  Your body’s cold, there’s not a hand to hold.”_

* * *

 

The door slams against the wall on impact as he bursts through the safe house.  Root is waiting for him, her head downcast.  

He is brimming with anger as he moves to walk past her.

“John,” she says softly.

He closes his eyes, willing himself to get a hold of his emotions.  Slowly, he moves to face her.  

She meets his gaze, bravely.  He has never seen her look so…  _abject_.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.  “I understand… if you truly want to kill me now.”

He stays silent as she gives him a watery smile.  “I’d even tell you that I deserve it.”

He remains unmoving for awhile longer, not quite sure how to react to this side of Root.  He steps closer then, and Root closes her eyes, as if… she’s expecting her comeuppance from him.

And all at once, all the anger rushes out of him.

“I don’t blame you,” he says as he reaches out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear.  She flinches, as if she hasn’t been expecting the tenderness of the gesture.  “I would’ve done the same thing.”

Root does open her eyes then, and John sees the way they glisten with unshed tears.

“We both love him that much,” he tells her sadly.

He slides his fingers underneath her chin, gently urging her to look up at him, at the forgiveness he should’ve long given her.

He has seen her smile so many times, but this time, this one is real, as a single tear escapes and cascades down her cheek.

“He’s waiting for you in the bedroom,” she murmurs shakily.

He nods once in affirmation.  He releases her, the urgency back in his veins as he moves towards the bedroom, before he pauses as he reaches the door.

“Thank you,” he tells her.  “For telling me.”

She looks at him then with something he has never seen before directed at him: newfound respect.

“You deserved to know.”

They stand there for a while longer, watching each other quietly, everything unsaid passing between them.

And then abruptly, Root takes her coat, and leaves.

John takes a deep breath and pushes the bedroom door open.

Harold is sitting on the bed, in a pose so uncannily similar to Root’s, and John feels a lump form in his throat as the full impact of what  _almost_ happened slams into him.

In the space of a heartbeat to the next, he finds himself kneeling before Harold and pressing his forehead against him, just breathing him in.

“You idiot,” he whispers hoarsely.  “You almost  _killed yourself_ today.”

 _And I wasn’t there,_ John thinks fiercely, the anger returning, swift and coursing, although it has no clear target; he’s angry at himself for not being there for Harold, at Root for coming up with the plan to kill Beth Bridges in the first place, at Harold for ingesting the toxin  _himself_ to save her, at Greer and Samaritan for taking Sameen away from them and pushing them all into a corner like this, at Ray Pratt for forcing him to be away from the team just when they needed him most… at the world and in humanity in general, for being so inherently  _selfish_ , like this.

“Don’t you dare do this again,” he commands harshly as he enfolds Harold in a crushing embrace.  “Don’t you dare think of yourself so  _little_ that you don’t even realise the kind of misery you’ll be leaving people behind.”

Harold shakes in his arms, and John feels telltale drops of tears against his skin as Harold tucks his face into his neck.

“I’m sorry,” Harold can only whisper over and over again.  “I’m so, so sorry.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 4.18 - "Skip"


	33. Chapter 33

 

 

**The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by Roberta Flack (4:20)**

 

* * *

“ _And the first time ever I kissed your mouth, I felt the earth move in my hand.  Like the trembling heart of a captive bird that was there at my command, my love.”_

* * *

 

He strokes John’s hair, the morning sun filtering in through the window painting John’s naked body with a golden glow.

Although, Harold thinks with a smile, it may also equally be the  _after_ glow.

“Good morning, Harold,” John says warmly as he gazes up at Harold from his position on Harold’s lap, as if this is a normal day like any other.

As if they didn’t fall together into bed for the first time last night.

“Good morning, John,” Harold returns in kind, feeling suddenly shy, unsure as to where their boundaries lay, not used to his own walls being down at all.  “Did you sleep well?”

John reaches up to twine his own fingers through Harold’s hair to pull him down, to which Harold acquiesces easily and willingly as he meets John’s eager mouth for a kiss—morning breath be damned.

He isn’t sure how John does it, but he suddenly finds their positions reversed as John covers his body with his own, and Harold finds himself helplessly pinned under John’s plundering mouth.

John releases him when the need for air makes itself necessary, although the way Harold gasps and grips his shoulders tells more of his needof _John_ than oxygen.

John smiles, diving back down for a gentle, lingering kiss, before he rubs his nose against Harold’s.

“Whatever it is that’s lingering on your mind, Harold…” he murmurs.  “Just ask me.”

Harold swallows, not trusting his voice just yet.  Trembling, he runs the back of his fingers over John’s cheek.  John leans into the touch.

“Why,” Harold asks, bracing himself for an answer he might never be ready for, “did you choose this job… over a life with Dr. Campbell?”

John doesn’t look surprised at the question, but his gaze softens as he mirrors Harold’s actions as he cups Harold’s face.

“Because the Numbers never stop coming,” he murmurs, and hushes Harold’s protest with a firm kiss.  “And if that’s the only kind of life that goes on forever…”

He takes Harold’s hand and reverently kisses each fingertip.

“Then I choose forever with you.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 5.03 - "Truth Be Told"


	34. Chapter 34

 

 

**Immortals by Fall Out Boy (3:13)**

 

* * *

_“Sometimes the only pay-off for having any faith is when it’s tested again and again everyday.  I’m still comparing your past to my future. It might be your wound, but they’re my sutures.”_

* * *

 

It occurs to Harold, as he watches everyone in the safe house prepare each of their weapons, that he’s the most  _ordinary_ person in the room.

Surrounding him are a former crime lord, a former doctor and ISA operative, a former Spec-Ops and CIA operative, a former major player in HR, and a former hacker and assassin-for-hire.  

He suddenly feels  _small_ , having all these people protect him; being the Father of the Machine suddenly doesn’t amount to much when he’s this  _helpless_ in the middle of a war.

It occurs to him, as he’s being ushered onward by Elias, and the rest divide themselves into teams of two to stop all the operatives—and the all-seeing ASI in command of them—who are trying to kill  _him,_ that the world will never know who any of them really are.  

They truly do work in the dark, doing all the things good people won’t do.  What  _ordinary_ people can’t do.

History won’t ever glorify them, with all of them being killers in each of their own right, himself being the greatest harbinger of death in bringing to life his creation, his  _Machine_ , and it suddenly makes him  _despair_ that no one will even remember their name, except being whispered in the shadows as urban legends.

He wishes, suddenly, desperately, that he could have  _immortalised_ them all.  His comrades.  His friends.

_His family._

He knows, however, that it’s also the same reason why they’re doing this for him, although in a more literal manner.

They’re doing this because even though they’ve already negated their right to live, they want  _him_  to live, for all of them.

And if he does—if by some stretch of fate, he survives this digital apocalypse—he will make sure they will all be  _remembered._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Tag: 5.10 - "The Day The World Went Away"


	35. Chapter 35

 

 

**She Keeps Me Warm by Mary Lambert (4:11)**

 

* * *

 _He says I smell like safety and home  
_ _I named both of his eyes: “Forever” and “Please don’t go”_

* * *

 

He has a dreamy quality as he smiles, almost like an ethereal painting.

John turns over a page in the book he’s reading, the rustling sound breaking through the silence as Harold pauses in his typing to watch him.  The sunlight streams through the window, the golden rays highlighting the salt and pepper of his hair, and Harold wants to paint the curve of John’s smile, memorialising it, making it permanent.

Permanence has never been a fixture in Harold’s life; everything he’s ever had is temporary.  His aliases are carefully crafted to be discarded at will when it’s convenient, his safe houses are easily left behind.  The people he cares about are those he can entrust to someone else, to those who can love them better than he ever could—never mind that there is no one who can love them _more_.

Once upon a time, he tried that with John.  Tried entrusting him and the Machine—the two most important beings in the world to him, at the moment—to each other.

Neither of them is willing to let him go, it seems.

John, as always, catches him staring, and his gaze softens.  Harold feels the answering flutter in his chest, the tugging at his lips.

It seems this is a permanent fixture now.  It feels strange that it feels so natural to smile, like this.  To be happy, like this.

John closes the book and walks over to him, fond amusement in his eyes as he presses a kiss to the crown of Harold’s head.

 

 

**When You Fall In Love by Andrew Ripp (3:41)**

 

* * *

 _It’s been a long time coming, honey, and I know it’s right_  
_Even a heartbreak couldn’t take love from you and I  
_ _Here I am, I’m ready, just say when_

* * *

 

John pulls back, and warmth floods his chest at the way Harold’s eyes flutter open, a light blush feathering across his nose and cheekbones.

John’s own cheeks feels tight from the smile that helplessly keeps taking over, especially when Harold looks up at him from beneath his glasses, eyes liquid and magnified by the lenses, blush deepening when John doesn’t look away.

He doesn’t know when he begins to think of this, what they have, as home.  Perhaps he’s tired of running away—tired of telling himself he doesn’t deserve the things that can make him happy—and he begins to think that Mexico will always be a bright memory tucked into the corner of his mind and his heart, that it doesn’t have to haunt him anymore, and only serve as a reminder of what he can have, again.

He thinks of how far he ran away from that happiness, and thinks of how far he’ll go after _this_.

He can’t let go of Harold now.  Not even when he tells him to.

He lets the back of his hand run down Harold’s cheek, smiling at the way Harold’s lips part, holding his breath, waiting.

How long has he waited for this, John wonders?  How long have they waited for a chance at happiness they haven’t known they can both have?

How long have they waited for this chance to fall in love—again?

John tilts Harold’s chin upward as he bends down, careful of the pressure on Harold’s neck.

 

 

**Certain Things by James Arthur feat. Chasing Grace (3:53)**

 

* * *

 _And there’s certain things that I adore_  
_And there’s certain things that I ignore  
_ _But I’m certain that I’m yours_

* * *

 

Harold has always been most comfortable with tangible things: the lines of code before his eyes, the clicking of the keyboard beneath his hands, the aroma of green tea permeating the air, the sugary burst of a glazed doughnut on his tongue.  It’s how he grounds himself to the world, to the reality of here and now, lest he gets lost once again in the certainty of his inevitable, inextricable fate with the Machine.

Now, he’s certain of nothing but the caress of John’s stubble across his skin, the callouses of his fingers as they hold his nape gently, the sensation of dry, chapped lips brushing across his, and in the back of his mind Harold makes a mental note to provide John’s first aid kits with lip balm.

There’s the smoothness of the fabric of John’s coat as he holds on, making him smile in satisfaction at the high thread count, a far cry from the threadbare, dirty rags he found John in when they met for the the first time.

There’s the creaking of his chair as he leans back at the same time that John kneels down, a soft sigh escaping them both at the better angle as John slants his mouth to fit over Harold’s perfectly.  Then there’s nothing but the rasp of his teeth, the slide of his tongue, the choked moan in Harold’s throat as John plunders his mouth deeper, more thoroughly, mapping the terrain, surveying his newfound territory.

And then there’s nothing but the certainty of this.  No matter what happens now, there will always be one thing that will always belong to John.

There’s nothing but the certainty that Harold is _his._

 

 

**Ever Enough by Rocket To The Moon (3:07)**

 

* * *

 _Through the push and the pull_  
_I still drown in your love_  
_And drink ’til I’m drunk_  
_And all that I’ve done  
_ _Is it ever enough?_

* * *

 

He isn’t used to this: the sensation of wanting, and actually _having_ it.

Most of the time, it’s taken away from him for his own good.  He’s aware of his addictive tendencies—Lionel’s not the only one with a drinking problem, and he’s a better man than John for actually going to rehab and coming clean—so John tries to stay away from the things he can fall addicted to, because he knows himself: he won’t know when to _stop._

Harold groans helplessly beneath him, and John growls, low in his throat, and greedily drinks in Harold’s total surrender.

 _This is bad_ , he tries to tell himself.  Harold has to stop him, because if he doesn’t, John will keep on taking until he can’t get enough.  John thinks it won’t ever be enough, and yet at the same time, it’s all he needs in the world.

He remembers the way he tore across state after state just to find Harold, like a junkie who needs his fix, except… Harold isn’t an addiction.  He’s a _cure_ , the medicine that keeps John breathing, that keeps the blood flowing in his veins, and John _needs_ him, because without him— _without him_ —

John’s mind stutters at that thought like a broken record, like a corrupted file, because he can’t conceive of a world without Harold—a _life_ without him.

Harold’s hands find their way inside his coat, trembling in their hesitation to touch him, as if Harold is afraid he isn’t _allowed._

 _Anything,_ John wants to say amidst his harsh inhale as he dives in to reclaim his territory, Harold opening for him, wanton and needy, _anything and everything, I’m yours, I’m yours, I’m yours._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I have compiled the songs for your listening pleasure [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/12152203272/playlist/6jLj6YDE9c7fp5YLDzW4xg), so you can get a feel of the songs even while reading each chapter. More songs and chapters will be added as the series progresses.
> 
> Thank you so much for your continuous support, contribution, and inspiration!


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